This was in 2015 at our final teacher showcase for my old company, OpenVoice Studios. I was in the middle of selling off the equipment and furniture, and finding someone to take over the lease, and a gazillion stressful activities that I’d rather not relive in this post.
This same week, the radiator in my car died, and my boyfriend and I broke up. On this actual day, my back went out in the middle of a singing lesson with a paying client. It was so painful that it took my breath away. I couldn’t speak for like 15 full seconds. Finally, I somehow gathered my words. Miraculously, I got myself through the rest of the lesson, and the rest of the work day. I found a way to get myself home to my apartment, and into this dress and these high-healed boots, and onto this stage.
All I remember from that night is:
1) My back absolutely killing me as I walked around the room like a politician, hugging everyone and thanking them for their support throughout the years.
2) Singing this song.
I don’t remember the rest of my set, even though there are plenty of photos. My sincerest apologies to the generous musicians who accompanied me that night because I have no clear memory of their beautiful playing or what songs we performed.
I had planned to sing ‘Is It a Crime’ by Sade for my big finale. I felt like it was my one opportunity to take up that kind of epic space in that kind of epic way. All alone. Just me, my voice, and my favorite (and most challenging) song, slowly beginning to take up all the space in my own life. No more husband. No boyfriend. Soon, no company. Just me.
I momentarily forgot about my back pain. I sang and laughed and joked my way through this song. I didn’t take up all the space I could, or ultimately would, but I held back less than ever before.
Turns out, this wasn’t a finale for me at all, it was absolutely just the beginning.
So, I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but… don’t quit. Ride out the shit sandwich because epic goodness and love and space and freedom are waiting for you on the other side. ❤️✨
(Maybe one day I’ll even fit into this dress again.😂)